


Wait

by Bookkbaby



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Asexual Castiel, Asexual Character, Asexuality, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-26
Updated: 2014-09-26
Packaged: 2018-02-18 21:29:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,788
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2362742
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bookkbaby/pseuds/Bookkbaby
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"I promised not to push, and I’m not gonna. We’ll wait until you’re ready, ok? No pressure."</p><p>"What if I’m never ready?"</p>
            </blockquote>





	Wait

Dean’s body is warm and heavy above his own. Cas makes a happy noise in the back of his throat, pulling Dean close and throwing himself into Dean’s kisses.

Dean’s mouth is sweet and gentle, sensual and soft. Cas’s lips enthusiastically part at the coaxing of Dean’s tongue, and then he is  _tasting_  Dean, or perhaps Dean is tasting him, but Cas can’t bring himself to care about whatever the distinction may be.

Their bodies are pressed together, Dean a comforting weight all along Cas’s front. His arms bracket Cas’s head. Cas’s hands rest on Dean’s back, keeping him close.

Dean groans into the kiss.

“ _Fuck_ ,” he says hoarsely, resting his forehead against Cas’s momentarily. Cas hums in something like agreement, running one hand down and up Dean’s back. 

Dean’s body is fascinating and inviting, hard planes of muscle covered by pockets of softness, wonderfully warm and strong. Cas could spend hours, he thinks, just exploring and touching Dean, memorizing the spray of freckles on his skin and every dip and scar.

Then Dean is kissing him again. Cas tilts his head into the kisses enthusiastically, and then Dean is shifting, legs spreading, hips grinding down unconsciously. Cas can feel a line of heat against his hip and he pulls back abruptly from the kiss, startled.

“ _Shit_ ,” Dean curses, immediately pushing himself up so that his body is no longer pressed so tightly to the former angel beneath him. Dean is panting, his thin pajama pants very obviously tented, and the look on his face is one of utter frustration. “Shit, I - Sorry.”

 

Cas nods, still breathing a little heavily from Dean’s kisses. He knows the frustration isn’t directed at him.

Dean sighs and rolls off of Cas onto his back. He offers Cas a smile, though it’s tight at the edges. His body is tense, but relaxing by increments as Cas watches.

"You don’t have to apologize, Dean," Cas says. He reaches out and tentatively places a hand on Dean’s chest. Dean grins at him and covers Cas’s hand with his own.

"I promised not to push, and I’m not gonna," Dean says. He takes a deep breath and squeezes Cas’s hand. "We’ll wait until you’re ready, ok? No pressure."

Dean’s voice is sincere, his expression warm and open and patient. Perhaps that’s why Cas ducks his head, biting his lower lip with uncertainty.

"Cas?"

"What if-" Cas cuts himself off. He shakes his head. Dean is not so easily deterred. Cas can feel the mattress shift as Dean turns towards him, Cas’s hand still firmly held in his grip.

"What is it?"

Cas is loath to speak. But Dean has been nothing but kindness and understanding and care, and Cas has kept quiet too long as it is.

"What if I’m never ready?" Cas asks. The question has been plaguing him for weeks. Months.

Will Dean stay with him if Cas can never give him more than this? Cas loves their kisses. He loves curling up beside Dean to sleep. He loves the feel of Dean’s hand in his, the sight of Dean’s sleepy smile in the mornings, the taste of coffee on Dean’s tongue. He loves the feel of Dean’s body against his own, warm and safe, and he loves the sensation of skin on skin, the sensual slide of his hands over Dean’s back.

He loves Dean.

But the idea of sex… that, Cas is not so sure of.

He’s tried to imagine it many times. He’s tried to get himself excited for the prospect, tried to set himself ablaze with the desire he knows Dean feels. No matter what he imagines, he can never seem to drum up more than a vague kind of curiosity and a mild discomfort in the pit of his stomach.

Dean takes a deep breath.

"Then you’re never ready," he says softly. He doesn’t let go of Cas’s hand. Cas huffs, half-amused and half-scoff.

"Is it really so simple?" Cas asks, lifting his head to see Dean’s face. Dean holds his gaze steadily, no trace of doubt.

"It can be," Dean says. Cas has to look away again.

"But-" His voice cuts off as Dean’s hand squeezes around his reassuringly.

Cas has no idea why he’s arguing the point. Should he not be relieved that Dean is apparently all right with never taking their relationship to a more physical level?

Perhaps Dean simply doesn’t understand. Perhaps he thinks it’s merely nerves, and if he waits long enough, Cas will want sex as badly as Dean does.

Cas feels a sudden wave of guilt. Is it terribly selfish of him to want to  _keep this_ , just as it is, for the rest of their lives?

"Hey, look at me."

Cas reluctantly lifts his head. Dean leans in and places a gentle, chaste kiss on Cas’s lips. Cas feels himself relaxing, something in him soothed by the contact.

"If you’re never ready, then you’re never ready," Dean says firmly, voice soft. He studies Cas for a moment. "You like it when I kiss you?"

"Yes," Cas says, a ghost of a smile tugging at his lips. Dean smiles back.

"You like it when we sleep together?"

"I love it," Cas says. He has no idea what Dean’s aversion to the word ‘cuddling’ is, but there is nothing he likes better than the feel of Dean’s arms around him as he falls asleep.

"Good." Dean nods. "Then we’ll just keep doing that."

Cas bites the inside of his cheek, questioning the wisdom of continuing to push. Still, he needs to know that Dean truly understands, that Dean is getting what he needs out of this.

The idea of Dean ending what they have because Cas is not enough for him… it  _hurts_. Cas finds his hand fisting in the material of Dean’s shirt and he looks away, heart tripping over itself in sudden fear.

What if Dean would be better off in a relationship with someone else? Someone who can give him everything he needs in a way Cas simply can’t?

"Is it really so easy for you?" Cas asks. "Just… giving up sex?"

Dean doesn’t reply for a moment. Cas’s heart clenches.

"I didn’t say it was easy," Dean says softly. "And Cas, if you  _ever_  want to-“

Dean shakes his head, a movement Cas feels more than he sees.

"Sex is awesome," Dean says. "Yeah, I love it, and I’d love to have it with you, but if you don’t want to, then we won’t. I’m not going to- we’re not."

Cas closes his eyes.

"I don’t want you holding on to hope for something that may never happen," Cas says. "If you want- perhaps someone else-"

It kills him to say it. He can’t even finish the thought. The room is still for a heartbeat, as though their bedroom furniture is holding its collective breath.

Then there is movement. Cas opens his eyes, startled, as Dean rolls them back to their earlier position. Dean’s above him once more, a furious glint in his eyes. Cas can’t look away.

“‘Someone else’?” Dean parrots back, and there’s a world of  _hurt_  behind the words. “ _Fuck_ , Cas, what kind of an asshole do you think I am?”

"I would understand," Cas says quietly, forcing the words out around the lump in his throat. They feel like a lie.

If Dean had to go seek his pleasure elsewhere, Cas would try to understand. As long as he could keep this, as long as it was their bed Dean slept in, Cas could try to be ok with it. If Dean ended their relationship entirely because Cas couldn’t please him-

Both thoughts are equally heart-wrenching in their own ways.

Some of Cas’s emotions must show on his face, because Dean is dipping down, pressing soft kisses to Cas’s mouth and cheeks. They’re chaste, sweet things, and Cas turns into them, his mouth finding Dean’s. The kiss lingers, lasts several heartbeats, and then Dean pulls away and rests his forehead on Castiel’s.

"I’m a big boy, Cas," Dean says. "I can take care of myself. I got a lot of practice when I was a teenager."

Cas turns his head away.

"It’s not the same," Cas says. He knows enough of sex and masturbation to tell that much, at least. "If you had to-"

"I’m no  _cheater_ , Cas.” Dean sounds angry again. Cas looks back up at him.

"Is it still cheating if I know about it and tell you it’s all right?" Cas asks. Dean’s mouth clamps shut into a thin line.

"Would you really be all right with it?" Dean asks. Cas feels his heart begin to shatter, but then Dean is shaking his head and continuing. "Shit, it doesn’t matter.  _I_  wouldn’t be all right with it.”

Cas swallows thickly.

"You wouldn’t?" he asks hoarsely. Dean looks at him, eyes weary.

"I’ve had a lot of sex, Cas," Dean says. "With all kinds of people, and it was great. Good times were had by all, but the best sex I ever had? Was with people I actually gave a damn about."

Cas nods slowly. Dean smiles at him, and for a moment he looks older than his physical years. He cups Cas’s face and takes a deep breath, like he’s steeling himself to speak.

"Why would I go looking for some random nobody to sleep with when I could be here, kissing you?"

Cas’s heart skips a beat.

"So you’re saying my kisses are better than sex?" Cas asks lightly. Dean chuckles.

"If it’s a choice between sex with someone else and kissing you?" Dean covers Cas’s body with his own once more and kisses Cas again. Cas sighs into the kiss, melting into Dean’s body with a small, pleased sound. Dean groans and breaks the kiss. "Yeah, I’d rather be kissing you."

Cas wraps his arms around Dean and holds him tightly. Dean slides one hand between Cas’s back and the mattress to return the hug.

"Thank you," Cas says softly. Dean shakes his head.

"This isn’t something I need thanking for," Dean says. He pulls back, just a little. "And I mean it, Cas. If you ever want to try, we can. If you never do, that’s cool too, but this?" He nods his head. "Us? I’m not giving that up." He smiles at Cas, a bit self-deprecatingly. "Looks like you’re stuck with me."

Cas smiles. No, he  _grins_ , wide enough that his cheeks hurt, and it’s still not enough to convey the happiness bubbling up within him. He pulls Dean in for another kiss, then another, and another, and perhaps what he’s feeling is contagious because it isn’t long before they’re both smiling too much to kiss anymore.


End file.
